Late night note to self:

April 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

Don’t go crazy and ruin your daughter’s life.

In the meantime, don’t watch late night movies about crazy mothers that ruin their daughters lives.

That is all.

Inspired

January 14, 2011 § 1 Comment

2 things:

1) I am proud to have Barack Obama as my president.

I’m proud that Lena will get to grow up with Obama as president.

I’m excited about my ability to give Lena stories. So many stories.

Which brings me to…

2) Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED talk.

If you have twenty minutes, (which I’m sure you do. Halftime, people) this is worth the watch.

I won’t say too much about it now, maybe more later (gotta go watch the heels) but I will say that I’m inspired to teach Lena this, and I also want to thank those around me, daily, that save me from the single story that I would be in danger of becoming.

I just surprised myself by getting a permanent position in a field that I love, doing a project that I love, taking a grad school class that I love.

And there was a moment when I thought that that couldn’t happen. And I realize now that I would be guilty of only realizing the single story of “teen pregnancy” or “single mom”. And that was dangerous.

And now I am reaching paradise.

late night thoughts

April 16, 2010 § 1 Comment

I really like Dexter Strickland. Have I mentioned that here yet? I mean the guy has some moves. Yeah he’s made a few really bad turnovers but ALL IN THE PAST. He’s a really good guy. Or, you know, from what I can tell from his twitter account. For instance, found this gem tonight.

Never be afraid to try something new..Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic…gudnite..talk to yal 2morrow..

Wow. That was some knowledge right there. Amateurs built the ark and professionals built the Titanic. Seriously. wowwwwww. I mean not to sully the memories of leo and kate, but dammmnnnnnn.  All I’ve got to say to that is, guess which one I am!

I sort of thought this was the blog for the happy cutesy little things that come with parenting, and sharing nice little vignettes about Lena and daily life. And that is what it’s about. But last entry I sort of mentioned some things about not hiding the truth, and how important it is to realize that nothing is really as it seems, and we’re all really just trying our best and telling everyone we’re okay when we’re not.  (more or less, cut me some slack, it’s late.)

So to be completely honest, to everyone, but more importantly, to myself, this is hard, and I need help. Sustaining myself with happy thoughts of the future is getting harder and harder as the nights get longer and longer. Lena’s smiles are tucked into bed, and I have yet to find the balance of sleep and personal time, between work, “commuting” dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime.

I haven’t found this balance and it’s taking a toll. On me and a few people around me.

So here it is.

Rachael,

Try your best to work this out yourself. Really, try your best. But don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Don’t be ashamed. Ask for help. You can do this. I know you can.

the this and the that

January 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

I read somewhere that having kids is like having your heart outside of your body. I thought this was a great succinct description. Every day when I go to work, my heart goes to day care, where she will play, color, sing, dance and read. Every night I gently bathe my heart, then sing to her, then tuck my heart into bed. And every night my heart sleeps quietly in the next room, every night my last thought going to sleep is of my heart.

There have been a lot of themes in my life since having Lena. Choice, is one of them. Do I choose to love her? Does she choose to love me? Do I want that choice? There is the family that is chosen for us, there is the family that we choose. But do we even choose those we fall in love with? Those who have their own hearts, their own hearts with their own minds walking around on their own?

There are times like this, imminent snow on the horizon, when my hearts are torn. One heart is here, the other is there. Do I leave one and choose another? How do I choose? Who do I trust my hearts to? Will my heart forgive me?

This will be the last I say on the matter.

Hi, my name is Rachael, I have three hearts, that is all you need to know. If you ask me how I have come by all of these hearts, I will probably smile and say that it is a wonderful, magical, ever-changing story.

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