Have I told you about this before?

January 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

I found out I was pregnant over bagels, on a Sunday morning.

More or less. I mean technically it was in the bathroom after peeing on a stick, but it was when I had glowingly brought my parents bagels on that fateful Sunday morning that my mom oh-so-politely poked my stomach and told me to go take a pregnancy test.

Which was how I ended up in the doctor’s office that Monday morning, getting increasingly frustrated with the doctor’s insistence that I take another test, and asking why I hadn’t contacted them before, and how could I possibly have not known that I was five months pregnant.

Plus I was with my dad, who was never the most in-tune with my teenage emotions. And he calmly tried to tell me they were just doing their jobs, while I was in full freak out mode over, you know, being pregnant, and if everyone could slow down and just focus on me for a second, that would be great.

That first doctor’s visit was the first of a few times where I actually felt confusion, even shame, about being pregnant. Why couldn’t these people be on my side? Didn’t they realize how scared and unprepared I was? Later would come the psychiatrist from UNC Student Health, because I needed a written excuse to drop a class and lower my course load. Again the question, How could you not know you were pregnant, and my response, tears, because I was confused, because this response could only trigger shame, and I wasn’t ready to stand up for myself yet. (I would love to admit here, it’s only been incredibly recently that I feel wholly confident about the way my life is turning out.) Later, a few unsuspecting professors would also question the protocol of “dealing with” a pregnant student.

All of these people would come around. The psychiatrist wouldn’t, I don’t think. I mean he signed my paper to drop the class, so that was good, and when I told my mom about the absolute horrible experience I had in his office, she threatened to call and complain, and I’m not sure if she did or not. The professors I had that spring semester when I had Lena, as it turned out, didn’t have anything to worry about. I only missed one day of class, because I had Lena the Friday at the beginning of a three day weekend, and I was back to class that Tuesday.

The doctors, of course, were just doing their job. And after my pregnancy test came back positive again, and they brought that little chart out and asked me all these questions about when my last period was (hell if I could remember/Idon’twanttotalkaboutit) and if I was on prenatal vitamins (of COURSE not), and then they said that they would try to hear a heartbeat.

And it wasn’t the full ultrasound but it was some little do-hickey of a machine that part of it went on my belly and then the audio was projected so everyone could hear, and there was lost of swishing noises, then all of the sudden this fast…thumping sound. And it was fast, like, impossibly fast. And I remember thinking that that can’t be right…that’s too fast. It’s not the lub dub…lub dub…lub dub…of a normal heart, but instead more of a thudthudthudthudthudthud. And okay, just to drive the point home, I said is it supposed to be that fast? All with tears in my eyes, because that was it, there was really something inside of me, and do you hear that? It even has a heart, and can you even imagine how wonderful and scary and miraculous that is?


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