It gets better?
October 31, 2010 § 1 Comment
Lena and I are having a nice weekend on our own. Uhh. More or less. We went to the Farmer’s Market on Saturday, and I ran into a couple of people. I saw Mary and Jack with Ty and Ty’s uncle, and gosh, it was crazy to see a baby. And I just remembered how at that age you’re just waiting for milestones…and it’s this huge revelation when they start to sleep for longer than 6 hours at a time…and then when they can sit by themselves….and then they can entertain themselves. It just gets better and better. Hang in there!
Then I ran into Gretchen and Desmond, twins from a class ahead of Lena, and I talked to their dad, Robbie, for at least 45 minutes while our kids played around the gazebo, and I thought to myself, wow, remember when I thought that being a parent was incredibly isolating? And now I’m discovering this emerging peer group, and making friends, and watching Lena interact with other kids is the coolest. And all these little personalities, and OMG THANK GOD I DON’T HAVE TWINS, etc.
And then L and I were on our own again for dinner and things…and being a parent was isolating again. And hard. But it gets better?
Being a parent is the most confusing amazing hard wonderful exciting insane awesome thing in the world. If I had to use one phrase to describe being a parent it would be WHAT THE FUCK. because you just can’t be prepared for all of the wonderful/crazy/suckiness that is being a parent.
And, you know what? I’m allowed to think that this is really hard. And I’m allowed to be amazed and astounded at all of these things that happen to me.
I woke up really early this morning and just laid in bed thinking about….well honestly thinking about trying to go back to sleep. And then around 7:30 I heard Lena from next door, saying “Maaamaaa….” And I called back, “Lena…” and she called back, “Mama…” And this went on for a few renditions until I got up and opened the door to find her smiling at me from her crib.
it’s sort of cheating, mikey said the other day. And it is. I have this little kid that just makes me happy the instant I see her. The way she hugs me around the middle when she’s standing up in her crib. It’s cheating because I’m not sure if I could be doing this by myself. Do I have the ability to rely solely on myself and make myself happy? I won’t find out for a while, I don’t think. But you know what? Fuck that. I have the ability to do the best things I can for my kid. I have the ability to give to her. I know what’s best for her, and I’m doing that. And that’s not cheating myself. That’s giving myself the greatest gift ever.
Or whatever. I’m going to be okay regardless.